the shocking story that i am not just saying to keep you tuned. in say no, but for some odd reason imreg -- greg says yes. >> it was the best five and a half minutes of the show. >> i think it was slept.

i agree completely. >> the joke is i haven't done it yet. >> go away. >> let's welcome our guests. children are instructed not to touch her. i am here with kttv in los angeles. look at her. she is so adorable. it makes me want to vomit. and it is writer and comedian andy hen dribbing son. his latest comedy cd is called under achiever. a lot of vowels if that name. and my repulsive sidekick, bill schulz. and large, shirtless men would enter him daily if he was a son gnaw. the cia operative and president of diligence, diligence, makers of diligence dental floss and diligence fluoride. five out of five dentists recommend diligence.

>> he waited to say that. too bad it was funny. if only he could comb over this mess. it is day four of the petraeus scandal. fox news reports the former cia director was confronted over his alleged relationships joy the investigation wasn't complete. initial worries about a security breech weren't justified. and it was by harassing e-mails sent from dummy accounts. a close friend of the petraeus family. kelly alerted a friend about the messages which appeared to be an attempt to black mail petraeus. there is so much more to the story and red eye reporters continue to dig for information.

>> there is a lesson in there somewhere. let's go to the person who is following the story most. lauren, jill kelly apparently wasn't having an affair with petraeus. why was broad well harassing her, and have you ever done the same thing to a romantic rival? >> when you have a jealous woman, jealous women can out fbi the fbi any day of the week. there is some chemical reaction that turns us into nsa agents. and we will go after those we deem a threat which is apparently what happened here and i guarantee you she knows every pass word she nodes to know. women are better cia agents.

no offense, mike baker. >> he says he was in the cia, but the way he dresses it is like, who can believe that? >> he is mad that i didn't go to him first. you were upset. >> i am not. i was laughing about the intro. i haven't actually heard the story introd before. what is your take on this? a, he made a serious, serious mistake. he owned up to it. i think part of the surprise is they are not used to seeing a high level washington official do the right thing after confessing to a mistake. in bill clinton's own words, a couple days before the election he was in an obama rail lee. he stood there and said, you know when i was younger and i was caught with my hand in the cookie jar, i just take my hand out of the cookie jar. we were being lectured about being honest. in his own words, he was caught with his hand in the

cookie jar. he said i made a mistake and i resign. however the fbi got involved and there is a lot of curiosity about why the fbi is investigating the cia director. it is a counterintelligence investigation. it started out as a harassment investigation of a government employee who said -- joe kelly said i am getting these e-mails. it is a forensic investigation. i know i am losing all of you. but i am not losing them. the viewers are paying attention. >> at 3:00 a.m. this is exactly what they needed. they do this investigation and they quickly identify petraeus. it is a forensic investigation of e-mails. there is petraeus. it is a major national security issue because you have somebody with unauthorized close access to the director of the cia. now it is a counter intelligence issue. the part that doesn't add up and the part i think is completely unbelievable is the idea that the white house didn't know about this until a day after the election.

that does not make any sense whatsoever. >> that's because it is not true. >> i need you to say something funny after that long and painful rehash of everything that wept on in the last four weeks. >> that's why you bring me here. >> i know, i know. everything you said is good. >> i was just surprised he actually e-mailed the woman he was having an affair with. >> lemon juice on paper that you put over a toaster. >> it is like exploding paper. >> both very discreet. like this condom will self-destruct in a second. >> can i tell a story? >> in all of the times that i was doing operations overseas and meeting with assets and people who were working for us and betraying their host country, all of these sexy operations and they were

exciting. the one reaction i got was from an asset and we were meeting in a hotel room. we were comparing notes. he was giving me information. at the end of the day i did this thing where i did what is called a fan fold. i probably shouldn't do this on tv. i did this fan fold of paper. i put it on end as i was getting ready to kick him out the door. i lit the thing. we had to get rid of the document takes. when you fold it properly it goes like this. there is no smoke or nothing and then it is gone. that was the most respect i got from anybody including my kids ever. >> you know what, that was andy's jokes. it was amazing. >> and it has gone up some smoke. >> wow, no respect. >> they didn't use e-mail though. they used a dummy account, right? every guy now at home is probably taking notes. i am going to figure out how

the head of the cia got away with the extramarital uh fair. he -- extramarital affair. >> this whole thing is a bad idea from the start. affairs were probably so much easier before there was the internet. you just would write stuff down on things and then throw it away. >> and by the way, you wouldn't be obsessively e-mailing somebody because writing a letter takes a longtime. you write like one letter. holiday ip exit 80 -- inn exit 80. and then they write something on a wall, yes. and then that would be it. >> i think you did it wrong. >> by the way -- >> let me see if i have something for you. >> i am trying to get over the point of mike referring to something as assets. you have been studying this for a longtime. the thing that excites me the most is she modeled for a

machine gun manufacturer which is what you did for awhile. >> i sent the pictures. >> you were modeling for the pictures. >> she puts one over on the cia guy and makes a fake e-mail account knowing what this guy does for a living. he is not even sleeping with her to then there is one that chilled me to my very bones and i am not even married. he was this close to openly bragging about the affair. he goes out to talk about how flagrant they were. there are millions of articles to tell you how to land a girl and please a girl and keep a girl. there is nothing that tells you how to id crazy. no one knows how to find of the coocoo in a normal girl. the head of the cia can't

spy -- cannot spot the crazy. >> she would scare every one of you that does not have female jenna tale yaw. >> we have to remember also, to the cia's credit, petraeus was thought cia. he came from the military. >> crazy women are more fun to have sex with. >> breaking news, by the way. when women are engaged in a sexual affair we cannot keep crazy in a bottle. that's the across the board rule . it is true. we are crazy. >> i can't believe you are -- >> i am shocked by this. >> it is no surprise that the most intelligent men, einstein was having affairs, wasn't he? maybe i made that up. >> didn't einstein have eight

affairs or something like that? no matter how smart you are you will take that risk. that risk will be -- the testosterone of the risk overwhelms your identification of crazy. >> you can't get me, >> i am much more sensitive. >> i don't think this story will go away. i also think it was a deflection from benghazi. do you agree? >> yes, although the chatter of how it was a conspiracy idea -- i think they did this to keep him from testifying. they will summons him and he will testify. that part doesn't hold water. he will still talk about ben dwaw swree. you combine the benghazi issue and then you can understand that the white house knew about this investigation of petraeus ahead of the election and it is perfectly reasonable to believe that all of the others stood around and said

the fbi says it is not really a national security risk involved in this. let's deal with this after the election. >> he is on the other side last i checked. >> but the thing is, i know that is a reason it is okay and the other side is wrong. hold on a second. maybe cancer didn't have all of the facts, but they had all of the facts. does that make sense? >> you never know how these things get briefed out in terms of what the obligations are in terms of keeping your yap shut when you are told about something. dianne feinstein is coming out and she says she didn't know about it at all, and she is the head of the intelligence committee. she should have been briefed. again, i don't mind if they decide to do what is always done in washington with these political games when they say let's keep it throughout the election. they are not being honest about it, or they are so stupid they didn't realize they would get caught in a trap where they clearly -- now somebody is lying about it.

>> i think we have beat this story to death. we will have to beat it tomorrow and then you look at us and go, please stop. >> from having an affair to despair, in the wake of obama's alleged re-election, some citizens are calling for succession. is that a surgery where you remove a baby from a belly? people from 19 states have filed petitions from america. on the obama administration's we the people website. and some are close to getting the 25,000 signatures needed to require an administration response with texas a mere 600 short as of monday afternoon. it is particularly feasible for texas to withdraw from the union and to do so would protect the citizen standard of living and resecure their rights in accordance with the beliefs of our founding fathers that are no longer reflected by the federal government. so what do pandas make out of

all of this? >> they don't know anything. they are stupid pandas. what do you make of this? some states can do this. some states can't. >> i think texas can pull it off. they are in a grown upstate. i think louisiana was a close second. they would be more like the high school kid that ran away from home and spend all of their money on booze and hung out with mississippi, got in trouble and they lived in texas for a little while until we took them back. >> you know, it is an interesting point. the idea creates an experiment in which you could see what state -- let's say it is almost like splitting the country in blue and red and see who wins. and then they are all of these rugged individualists and they

will go on and do great, but maybe some won't. >> like south dakota who also apparently wants -- good luck with that. >> there is a lot of fracking in south dakota. >> that's true. they get by on fracking. >> you owe south dakota an apology. >> my apologies you south dakotians. >> all of the frackers. >> i think it is a good idea. does that mean we get to shop duty free when we cross borders? >> women think like women. >> that is genius. i never even thought about that. >> of course you could. >> this happens a lot after an election. i swear i am moving to canada or hawaii or something like idaho. is this people harmlessly letting off steam or are they traders who should be thrown

in gitmo as you said in the green room? >> did he do that already? i can't remember. >> i don't remember. i think it is exactly what you said the first part, blowing off steam. there are a lot of people i think that has made and is concerned over the resulteds of the election. obviously not enough of them. but there are enough people where i said that, you know, i don't know that we ever get to a p oi nt ever again -- a point again where they promote small government and i don't know if you can ever win again. i don't see how that would happen. it has been a tipping point. >> we have created a society where all of the things that make america great have been replaced by give me something now. bill, a petition of you saw seeding from "red eye" reached billions of signatures. >> they are all variations of

the name greg gutfeld. if you are going to do it, get more creative. >> that's my signature machine. >> let's get a white house response now. >> it is just a vagrant wearing tin foil. >> he can't spell robert. >> he tans well. they envoke a lot of the same reasons they cited in 1860. if you want to make it not look like race, don't draw the parallels to the civil war. >> i believe she is getting the vapors. >> you are tickling her. >> all right, coming up. i don't have anymore opinions on this, do you? >> no, i'm just disappointed idaho is not filing for succession. >> i just think -- look, to

your point, why have an experiment? for four years let red go red, blue go blue and see what side ends up more profitable. i guarantee they will be better -- if they fail, do we take them back? >> yes. the blue might have better movies and the red better businesses. >> we can say which states are doing better? >> that's a good point. >> it is called the national football league. >> should unattractive people be forced to live under ground. lauren sivan discusses her new book "how to fix america."

should you shun a raised thumb? most drivers wouldn't consider picking up a hitchhiker unless it is me in high cutoffs and tube socks. they make the case that hitching which died with the hippies is ready for a come back. ginger strand writes the fear of thumbing a ride is a carefully calculated campaign done by the fbi in the 1950s. the end result she says or he says, not sure, if we have largely turned our backs on the obvious efficiencies for our wallets as well as the planet of ride sharing. he says it is safer than what we go for the rides.

>> it is good to see that mitt's spirits aren't down anymore. he is out there and having a good time. you were saying in the green room you often pick up hitchhikers and kill them which is an odd confession. >> i can't believe you told everybody. i think it is cool. i have a buddy who missed out on the great opportunity. he was doing what they call slugging in dc back in the early 90s. you can catch ray ride in the hov lanes. you say you look like a smart guy. it is called america on-line. my buddy is like, oh, pyramid scheme. now he is broke. >> smart enough to get in the hov lane, but not smart enough to get a really good job. where is america on-line now

though? it merged with the huffing ton post. with smart phones you can take a text a friend a license plate of the car that picks you up. but if you are dead it doesn't matter. right? >> for a sexy mediterranean drifter i would take a chance. >> picking him up or getting picked up by? >> i would pick up a stranger before i could let bill schulz with my weak child-like bladder. >> mark my seat. >> that's how i get shot gone. >> it is talking about humanizing the landscape which i think is a typical silly -- it it is like typical reality. you are an intelligence guy. would you pick somebody up? >> no, the writer is in all

due respect is a -- and he doesn't understand the dangers involved. i will say -- that term applies, but i do have one story. in 1978 i hitchhiked from shasta lake to seattle. the best ride i got and i realized shortly after i got in the car i shouldn't have was i got into this gto. the guy had wired up in the backseat and this was 1978 a turn table with speakers. this was his stereo system. he was driving 900 miles an hour and drinking booker and he was an entertaining character. but the needle would be bouncing and every time we hit a bump it would start back up. he was playing queen. >> i don't like where this is going. >> there wasn't a handle on the door. i was thinking how in the hell do i get out of this car? by the time i figured it out he was doing 85 miles an hour. i went five miles and i said, you know what, dude, i left my backpack back on the road.

i got out and that was my one hitchhiking experience. no, you shouldn't hitchhike. don't hitchhike. don't encourage your kids to hitchhike. >> it is the music. if you are trapped in the car expru to listen to niki minaj that is how murder hatches. >> that is how you get around, bill. >> yes. that's what people do. everyone there hitchhikes. this is not a safe little enclave. they have a pretty sizable crack problem, but nobody has a problem with hitchhiking. everyone does it. it is like jaywalking. safe here because everyone does it. >> l is no -- there is no logic. when you are jaywalking are you alone. but if you are hitchhiking are you in somebody's car. >> everybody is doing it though. i said if it works on this island why can't it work on this island? and then i bought some crack. >> somehow i believe it.

i like how they link it to environmentalism. >> did you read any article, anything about -- is it okay for men and not for women? it is like the sex didn't matter. everybody can do it. >> that's what we are trying to say. >> that's not true. if you are a liberal father you wouldn't let your daughter hitchhike more than your son and if you do you are crazy. >> if i am ever driving trust me i will take them home and deliver them in one piece. >> do you have a comment on the show? e-mail us. if you have a video of your animal doing something? go to fox news.com/red eye. click on submit a video. still to come the half time report from andy levy. i wouldn't pick him up. ever. it is spawns everied -- sponsored by tuxedos. it features an elegant jacket and trousers with a band of

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let's see if we got anything wrong? >> how are you doing greg? >> i'm okay. >> pretty exciting night. >> it is an exciting night for everybody. >> the book comes out. >> the book comes out, all of that good stuff.

>> i might not sleep. >> i have to bring a story up about that. >> he gave me a copy of the book for barter and return for copy of the book. you can see that i accidentally -- i am sleeping and the middle of the night at 4:30, 5:00 in the morning i hear hitsing -- hissing and a growling sound. i get out of bed and i look on my coffee table. i had left the book face up, and my cats were just sitting there hissing and -- do you remember that seen in "the omen" when they go into animal park and all of the bar boones are slamming on the door because damion was in the backseat? >> yes. >> same thing. >> with the cat. >>- q. i and your face. -- >> and your face. >> what can that mean? >> i am afraid to ask that question. >> do you think perhaps my book has special powers that only the cats can understand?

>> they may understand them a little too well. they were not happy. >> well maybe they have a right to be scared. >> i am glad. >> thanks for helping that. >> we can talk more about this later. >> maybe drinks. >> sounds excellent. >> petraeus. mike, you said this is confusing to some people. petraeus was caught with his hand in the cookie jar. he admitted he did something wrong and he resigned. actual question, i know the military can prosecute adultery if it chooses to. does the cia -- what is the policy on that? can they prosecute it? >> yes, if there is a breech of classified information, it is a unit coulder intelligence issue. it is a counterintelligence issue. it is a chain of command and a superior officer. what they are concerned about is the possibility that someone has developed undo access with somebody with classified information and will access that information,

whether it is a director or an operative in the field that sleeps with a lithuanian hooker. they didn't intend to because he had a couple of drinks and he is going out to dinner. i am just saying. i am kidding. that's the reason, and that's the point of it all. that's why the fbi is involved. >> andy, you said you were surprised petraeus e mailed the woman hoe was having an affair with that they should use invisible. >> they set up an get and they would write e-mails and leave them in the draft folder and the other person could log-in and read them in the draft folder examine reply. this way they were not actually e-mailing. >> that's clever. but still not as good as exploding paper. >> what is it -- you know, that is absolutely -- that's why i am here and they are there. >> no, but you know what the

problem with that is, it sounds clever and i can speak about this because diligence has its own computer forensics groups for your security and information needs. but that is still forensically tracible. it sounds clever, but it is not. >> the only reason -- all they have to do is get the computer and they can find the e-mails. but it does make -- it takes one step away, the actual transmission. >> that's true. >> and they are making an effort, but it is still -- stile standpoint you will get it. >> hypothetically if you were to carry on, how -- what method would you do? >> old school. you do dead drops. you mark a sign saying i am loading a dead drop. you put that note down and the next person says i am going to pick up that because that's the load mark. and then they get the unload sign. you go old school. >> but weren't they in different cities? >> they weren't in different cities? >> get off your ass and travel.

>> then there are travel records. >> andy says sky writing. >> me? >> no, the other andy. >> sky writing as long as it is in code. >> yes. >> you have to write it it backwards so only if you have a mirror can you read it. >> i am loading a dead drop. >> by the way, mike, i am thinking of explaining how dead drops work to a lithuanian hooker probably not the easiest thing in the world. >> look, i am not saying that if you are in charge of some highly secretive organization and you decide to have an affair it is going to be easy. that's your call. you have to expect it will be labor intensive. >> why do they call it a dead drop? >> it is an old school term. i will go into the week and

start to explain it and he will look at me and say i can't believe you are wasting my time. >> i think the spies are no different than little kids playing spies. what do you want to call it? it is the place where you drop the note? >> no, let's call it the dead drop. >> if you did it like kids it would be like my three and a half-year-old and it would be called the poopy drop. >> that's the name of the bar you go to. >> wow. >> the poopy drop. that's because it is a great chocolate martini. >> sorry. >> i should say some of the more serious stuff, right? >> i do have to say one thing, because of petraeus, there is one thing people are not talking about. do we think it is a coincidence that justin and salina broke up before the benghazi hearings? >> that's a good point. i think the whole petraeus thing was a diversion.

>> and justin is not taking this well. we spoke earlier today. >> i tried to explain to him that sometimes fake relationships don't last. >> i know, i know! it is like a fake bus. a fake one arrives every 15 minutes. >> to answer your question, andy. andy, i think he will summon bieber. >> do you think he will subpoena him? jew greg, you mentioned texas was 600 signatures from reaching the 25,000 number that the administration website says requires a response? as of this taping there are now over 40,000 signatures. now we wait for the reply. >> what is the reply? >> is it lol? >> that's the best one. >> lol?

>> you said this is people blowing off steam. obviously i glee. i agree. but succession some. >> i don't backsaw session. i think it is entertaining for texas. what are they the 12th, 13th, 14th? >> they are the eighth. >> the eighth largest economy. they can get away with it and we wouldn't have to watch the cowboys anymore. >> bill, you said george's reason sounded like the one these gave in 1860. >> no, they cited 1860. >> all i saw was them citing the declaration of independence. >> no it was 1860. it was a better time. >> to those of you if your petitions to leave the union don't work, if at first you don't saw seed, try and fry again. >> thank you very much. we will be right back. >> that was good. >> are we really? >> apparently. >> i guess end on a high note. coming up, an interview with

vigo more tin son. not here, but probably on some other show. what will lauren sivan ask me about my book? mostly questions i wrote.

well, it has been called one of the most highly anticipated books of the holiday season, but enough about "killing kennedy." what can we expect from greg gutfeld's new book? it is called "the joy of hate." how to triumph over whiners in the phony out ramming and it hits book -- out and it hits bookstores next week. you can probably find it at a yard sale. since greg can't interview himself, we are switching roles. greg, let me ask you, who invites someone on their show to interest view them about their own book? >> i was in a tough position. the best person to interview me would be me. i was busy over here. i needed to find somebody i

was not intimidated by and needed to work. you have been hanging around here awhile. i figure why not give you a shot? you have a little history. i know it is awkward between us because of those things that happened a few years back, but i thought we could bury the hatchet and you could probably give a good interview. >> i am realizing the joy of hate at this moment. it is amazing. it is very liberating. what makes you think people will buy this book as opposed to the four others you have written? >> because this book actually matters. in this book i call about the tolerotic. it is a person who claims to be tolerant and isn't. and they claim to be passionate. they travel this packs. examples are the blood, is the crypts, the man son family, the huff bloggers. >> you explain in the book this tolerodi smghts. nothing offends you more than

people always offended. >> it is impossible to be angry all the time. thanks to the web because people are in front of their computers and they read comments on various blogs and they get angry. it is like con taintly -- constantly working out. you should only be angry three to four times a week. if you are angry constantly it is like over exercise. you wear out your anger mouse sells and then end up killing people. >> i have been doing this all wrong. >> i told you. >> you also mentioned fat kids in the book. you said we should cut them a break. why is that? >> fat kids have become large targets, and that is a pun. it is by the tolerant claiming they are doing something good. they are passing this weird judgment on kids because they are eating more than the adults are. they actually feel bad and aping gree kids get to enjoy the fattening foods. they say you can't have it. however, if you talk to any celebrity you will find they

tell you i was once fat. actually being a fat kid always leads to success. a lot of supermodels say i was fat or i was ugly. that means all fat people will grow up to be supermodels. >> or a tv host. >> i was just as fat as a kid. i had that surgically altered. >> you look lovely. nice cover. >> i call this my constipated pierce brosnin look. >> you make up a lot of your own terms. can you explain what you call bad taste blind spot disorder? >> it is like you. say are you hanging out with your friends in l.a. and you are watching tv and making fun of people and saying sick jokes and then you go on twitter and tweet one of those things you said. then all of a sudden everybody is like, that's not funny. that's disgusting.

that's blind spataste. disorder. you don't know what you are about to say and it might piss off a lot of people. it happens among comedians who are drunk on airplanes. they end up tweeting and they will use the c-word or use any word because they haven't been around the rest of america. they have a blind spot about the things they can say. it is why you can have a comedian making fun of sarah palin's kids. they think it is funny in front of a large group and they apologize. >> it is a how to on how to triumph over outrage? >> yes. >> how can we all learn how to triumph over it? >> i have a mirror jerk affect.omebody bothers you, you have to ask if it was in the reverse, bill mar says something about somebody i like and i get mad. what if it was rush limbaugh.

therefore it is not worth getting mad. >> you don't think it is fair when it comes to the outrage? >> the left has been outrageous longer, but the right is catching up. you shouldn't be outrageous because you will break something. life is nun. you are -- life is fun. are you supposed to be out having fun with people. andrew bright bart would say, so, and that's what you have to do. you say so. >> you dedicated the book to andrew bright bart. we often talked about these things when we were getting very drunk. dedicated to him. not to you, lauren. >> that i am not even mentioning it. >> i went out of my way to thank everybody at fox news but you. >> all right, greg. i hope you sell a lot of these. "the joy of hate" out today. it is time to take a break, y'all. bye. >> you are cute. that was good.

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>> unbelievable. >> it is unbelievable. >> is 6:00 good for ted as well?

>> 6:00 is great for ted. come on over then. >> i don't want a hungry ted coming over. >> then we will go to the game and they can it out. >> me too. i will check it out after the game. >> i'm sure i will. >> great. our reception was bad. i just have to move over here jie. sorry? >> reception was bad over there. i have to move over here. i just got to the game now. >> yes. >> it is the second one. >> it is the second one. are you talking to someone on the phone too? >> i'm sorry i'm on the phone. i don't mean to be rude. >> sorry, no, it was some other guy. >> tonight i think we will go over and watch johnny's soccer game. >> don't want to miss johnny's soccer game tonight. >> are you going to the soccer game? >> i'm sorry i'm on the phone would you do me a favor and

not eavesdrop. >>- q. i he was murdered later that afternoon. that was greg benson thank you for that clip. bill, why don't you do anything funny like that for our show 1234*. >> i don't know. >> i mean really. >> really? >> seriously, why don't you? >> we will close things out with a post game p wra up with andy levy. kind of a jerk. 

so fox and friends in a few hours. between the 8:00 and 9:00 a.m. hour. and faff:00 p.m. eastern for -- and 5:00 p.m. eastern for "the five." we have michael money -- monihan. >> back to andy levy for the post game wrap up. >> andy, upcoming gigs? >> i will be at the laughing devil comedy club thursday at 8:00 p.m. in long island. >> excellent. >> mike, how is idaho treating you? >> really good. i just got out there. i will talk about it on "the imus show." >> excellent. >> he is a nice fellow. >> i will be sure to sleep through that. >> jeez. >> it is not you, mike. lauren, how did your family

get through sandy? >> oh god, the supermarkets were a war zone. i couldn't find my greek yogurt anywhere. i had to get off my low glycemic diet. it was awful. that was my mom. i live in california. >> but your family is okay? >> everybody is safe. a lot of people having hard times. >> i want put it past her to do that song and dance. >> that was dit rally what she said. she lost power, but that was her main concern. >> the greek yogurt. >> very important. >> i can see that. >> when you are on a low glycemic diet. >> greg, do you have a book coming out? >> i bet you didn't know. november 29th in orlando at barnes and nobel. and at "books a million." and i will be at the villages on november 29th. november 30th i will be in gainesville and barnes and nobel and